The Ryan Memorial Wing

The most exciting 5 minutes of your LIFE!


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Gonzo
ryander
So I just realized I haven't posted anything on LJ in forever.  I've unlocked the pattern as to when I post. 

I write when I'm alone.

Not alone in a room or if I have a couple of spare minutes.  I'm talking alone.  By myself little old lonely me.  Seriously check out my past posts.  Look way back before the "Mel" era of my life and you'll see that I use to post all the time.  Or at least regular enough to almost consider "all the time".  Then I hook up with her and BAM...barely a word.  

Well I did it again.  I get together with a girl and BAM...no posts.  Maybe the occasional word here or there, but nothing for weeks. 

So now I sit here again, alone...damn that sucks.

I could go into a huge lament about her, but quite honestly, it's stupid.  Pointless, meaningless, and stupid.

That brings me to my point though...am I so driven by my human nature to not be alone that I will desperately reach out to whoever is out there willing to listen.  Is my constant need for another person driving people away from me.  Like seriously, I'm a downer of a person at times.  It's always "woe is me".  Why can't I just break free of that funk and move on from stupid shit?  I so want to say fuck it all and just be happy by myself, but there is just such a need inside me to want to be with someone.  That as long as I have someone there, it's okay.  I feel better. 

Why do I need that?  What changed.  There was a time when I was happy it was just me.  I could spend hours alone, hanging out in my basement.  Bamming out, listening to music, reading and writing.  I do that now, and I feel sadness and I feel so lonely.  Which then gets me depressed cause I think of who I do want to be with and how hard it is not to be with her because she's with someone else.  And no, it's not Mel!  

So yeah...this human need to be with someone, just really fucking sucks.  I hate being like that.  I wish sometimes that I can just look at the world and say I don't need you.  I've got me and that's all that matters.

We'll see.

BTW...Snow out at the Suncor Oil Sand site is FUCKING DISGUSTING!!  Holy shit...it looks like snow.  All white and pure, but it melts into a black oily watery substance!  Pretty sure it's toxic and totally disgusting!!  Ick ick ick!!

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